The Closet hath been Broken Down
by its us lolz
Summary: What happens when Edward reveals that he is, infact, gay? Random hordes of innuendos, explicit amounts of sex, and a whole load of funnies. Read and review, and we shall love you! Enjoy this random mind raping fanfic! Grace and Shelbs.
1. Half the womanly population imploded

_**Disclaimer; We don't own Twilight. Heck, if we did, we'd be multi gazillionaires with no time to write the shit that is processed from our arse.**_

_**Enjoy :)**_

_**Grace + Shelbs**_

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Televisions all around the world flickered into life. On the international broadcast was a stage where a flamboyantly pink backdrop swayed sexily and a single stool stood erect, causing a single school girl to giggle at the word choice. No one paid much attention to the now empty setting...

That is, until a man walked on screen and sat himself rather too delicately on the seat. As he looked up, half the people in the worlds eyes swivelled to the screen in unison. The noise itself cause a tsunami, although, the sheer state of awe that the world was in prevented anyone from dying.

Edward Cullen sat on the stool. Now, one would presume that people would be rooted to their seats in fear. However, the mass romanticisation of vampires caused a world wide hard on, figuratively speaking of course... No, but seriously, nine months after this broadcast was made, the population had such a massive boost that the moon was colonised. THE FUCKING MOON, PEOPLE!

Said vampire cleared his throat delicately and the noise itself caused legions of fans to combust from ecstasy. Unaware of the stir he was causing, Edward began to speak.

'Citizens of Earth, I have an announcement to make!' He proclaimed in a voice which was pitched far too highly for a man. Looking down at the cards the he held in his gloved hands, he continued.

'For the past few years, I have been repressing something inside me. It is something that I have tried hard to ignore but sadly, I can deny it no longer.' At this, the various viewers around the world moaned at the angst ridden blood related confession sure to follow. A single, unheard voice somewhere in the Amazon replied, 'Is it a woman? They always give me indigestion...'

Alas, the angst whores pleasure was not to come to fruition.

'I am,' Edward began uncertainly. He coughed delicately to hide his discomfort. He continued to stutter for several hours whilst fans still watched with rapt attention.

'Oh fuck it,' He proclaimed, springing from his seat and tearing his clothes of to reveal tight short shorts and a bare torso.

'I'm gay!' He lisped happily and promptly began making out with several men at once. The Amazon man blinked in suprise, he hadn't seen that coming.

At his words, mass suicide occurred around the world as the die hard EC fans found they could no longer bare a world where kinky, demeaning Edward Cullen sex wasn't feasible.

Meanwhile, deep in the hole that was Forks, Bella Swan had just woken up...

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...but we will leave her bitchy whinings for a moment.

Meanwhile, statistics showed (Yes!! Statistics, people!!) that half of the womanly population of the world had either lost their fertility or had simple imploded in the ovaries.

Meanwhile, the other half (masochistic fangirls who are into that kind of gay thing) and all the fanboys were on Cloud 9.

CLOUD 9! THERE WAS CUM EVERYWHERE!!!

But not really.

Isabelle Swan had woken up,and stretched daintily in the gloom of the morning.

"Oh! I have arisen! I wonder, do I look stunning? Of course I do!" she giggled stupidly.

Looking out the window, already mournful that her freakshow hadn't arrived to give her oral pleasure, she pouted and threw her pillow at the window, smashing it with the concealed brick inside.

"EDWARD! ME WANT EDWARD!! ME WANT EDWARD!!" she roared crazily, and commenced smashing her valuables that the spoilt bitch had recieved from her doting boyfrind.

Downstairs, Charlie placed his earmuffs over his head as the mourning ritual, which he had come to know as "The Great Edward Tantrum", took place in the evil lair of the screaming girl.

Upstairs, Bella had succeded in destroying th east wall, ripping her underclothes to shreds and smearing the ceiling with her faeces, when Edward suddenly flitted through the window daintily.

"Edward!" she squealed as he gagged at the sight of Bella smeared in shit and the offturning smell.

"Oh! You are much too disgusting for me to deal with anymore! Bella, I'm gay!" he squealed as he ran away from her around the room.

Bella stopped and stared stupidly.

"Gay?"

Edward frowned.

"Yes. I like men now."

"Gay?" Bella repeated slowly.

"Uhh.."

Edward was about to continue, but was interrupted by,

"But you only love me!!"

"Oh dayum," he thought, "this is going to be difficult."

"Bella," he said, stepping towards her whilst dusting the crumbs of poo off himself daintily, "I like men, You are not a male. I don't LIKE you. I'm not ATTRACTED to you. Plus you always cover yourself in shit, Now what the FUCK is that all about?"

Bella teared up in the eyes, but stopped as a somewhat devious plan came to mind.

"Men you say?"

Edward sighed and covered his face with a hand.

"When will the dumb bitch comprehend what I'm saying??" he comprehended out loud.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Well," continued Bella, the evil grin becoming larger, "what if I... GOT A SEX CHANGE?"

Edward glared at her.

"You know what? You blood always smelt like shit to me anyway. And I mean shit. I mean... shit. You are just soooo grrooooossss!!!!! Eee!!!"

With that, Edward punted Bella across the world to China, where she was torn to bits by jealous fangirls but only her eyeball survived which became a famous prostitute known as Michael Jackson.

There was a shout of jubilation from Charlie downstairs, he came up to hump Edwards leg in appreciation.

They both ended up having sex.

Sweaty, hairy, oldman sex.

Fuck yes.

But not really.

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**A/N; Offended? THEN GTFO!!!**

**If not, then you also share the sense of humour that we love you for.**

**COUNT CHOCULA FOREVER!!!**


	2. A Gazillion little erections

**DISCLAIMER; No Twilight ownage.  
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**RETARDS WILL DEVOUR YOU IN YOUR SLEEP**

**WARNING – SEVERE EMASCULATION OF EDWARD IN FOLLOWING CHAPTERS **

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Disturbed by Bella's incredibly erratic and completely disgusting behaviour, Edward flitted home. Yes that's right, flitted. Good word right? I thought so but then my hairdresser was all like, 'that's a stupid word,' and I was all like, 'Well, fuck you then bitch!' True story, what's that? Oh right... Getting back on track.

Edward flitted home and threw himself through his window. He had a thing for windows, they were his secret fantasy. Yes that right, not only was Edward homosexual, he got a hard on when he thought of, drew or climbed through windows. There was many an awkward moment in his art class. This was one of the reasons why Bella believed that Edward was in love with her. Alas, woe is Edward and his window obsession.

When he was in his room, Emmett, rather unceremoniously ripped the door off of its hinges and threw it at Edward. Caught of guard, the door broke into a gazillion pieces that turned into mini erections once they touched Edward's body. Dumbfounded, Edward went cross eyed and stared, mouth agape at Emmett. The before mention vampire punted him across the room and screamed.

'Edward likes boys! Edward and a boy, sitting in a tree F-U-C-K-I-N-G.' With that he bitch slapped Edward with a kitten and ran out of the room giggling girlishly. Utterly bereft, Edward burst into – dry sobs. You know, because vampires can knock people up but not cry? True story. I got knocked up by a vampire once, but that's a different story...

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Edward was heart broken. Emmett had just called him a pussy, and his favourite pink quill had just run out of pink ink.

"Woe betide me! Must such misfortune come my way??" he screeched, throwing his room at Alice, who certainly hadn't seen THAT one coming.

Rushing past Alice, whose head now lay rolling on the floor, he flung himself into the woods, knocking down several trees that somehow stood erect again under his presence.

Flaunting his way across rivers, and shimmying over mountains, Edward arrived at seemingly noowhere, and continued to cry, out of the earshot of his poser of a brother, who was at this stage taking MySpace photos of himself and uploading sex videos of himself and Rosalie to PornDeliqua.

"I hate them!! I hate them all!" he screamed into the air, and thumped his chest in a baboon like manner.

"Even me?" a silky voice penetrated the trees like a penis to a hot, swearty arse.

Edwards ears pricked up.

"Jasper?"

It was Jasper Hale, standing in all his manly, testosterone, holding the body of the beheaded Alice, who was twitching and convulsing.

"Jasper? What are you doing here? Did you.. follow me?" asked Edward, as the plot line turned into that of a horny, retarded fangirls.

"Why yes Edward... yes I did."

The plot line began to spin out of control as the distance between Edward and Jasper crept closer and closer, and Grace shrieked as she realised the horror that she has caused in this already disgusting enough fanfic.

Edward pounced on Jasper, and they started rubbing up against each other moaning like.. bears?

Grace and Shelby screamed in fright as they slammed down the delete key, when suddenly, Alice the Decapitated saved the day, and she sliced Jasper in the rear, causing him to explode into rubber because he was only inflatable.

Edward stared on mournfully at the shreds of latex strewn upon the ground, when a sly idea formulated into his mind.

He grabbed a nearby raccoon, ripped off its tail whilst throwing the other half somewhere in the world, which turned out to be the goose that hit that famous male model in the nose when he was riding a rollercoaster, and tied the tail up in latex.

"Now I can service myself!" cried Edward jubilantly.

But alas, Edward had forgotten that he did not have a vagina anymore.

"Shit, did I say that outloud?" he thought.

No, he did not, but now we know.

HOW DOES THE TRUTH FEEL?

HUH?

Anyway..

"But first, I better call Charlie.. Booty Call." he thought promisciously.

And they had sweaty man sex.

Hot and sweaty.

But not really.

I was also knocked up by a vampire once. Turns out it was just a really large rat that made me contract RABIES in a various assortment of ways, but they all cancelled each other out.

Now, I only foam OCCASIONALLY at the mouth, thanks to new 5 in 1 Rabid Care!!

Buy 4 for the price of 50 today!

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**A/N; We are not actually against homosexuality, we just find the concept of Edward being gay funny.**

**Please review, it makes life pleasant!  
**


	3. An Incest Orgy

_**Disclaimer; We don't own Twilight.**_

_**FECKFECKFECK**_

_**We bring you installment number three! Share it with your friends!**_

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It was a new day, and Edward was cranky.

He grumbled as he stomped through the sewers to the Volturi's lounge room, where he could already hear the incest orgy taking place.

He shuddered, and shook his head to clear himself of the horrible mental images and the thoughts emnating throughout the walkway, almost making HIM horny.

Poncing up to the door, he rat-a-tat-tated the innocent little doorhandle.

The scuffles and giggles stopped, and 3 seconds later Alec opened the door with a composed face, but a huge and protuding erection that he half- heartedly attempted to cover with his six fingers and two hands.

"What do you want?" he asked stiffly (ba da tch).

Edward palmed Alec in the face, shoving him aside in his gay manner.

"Squeeze me darlink, but I'm coming through." he lisped.

Striding across the room, Edward glimpsed, from the corner of his eye, a band of hookers running around the corner and out of site.

Stalking on their thoughts momentarily, Edward bumped into an old skeleton.

"Ahhh!" he screamed.

"Ahhh!!" screamed the skeleton.

"Oh, it's just you, Aro." Edward looked upon Aro; his ribs protruded from his arse, making him look very disusting in a sexy way.

"I know right?" said Aro, grabbing Edward by the crotch and reading his mind.

"Yeah yeah whatever... Let's get this over with." sulked Edward, strapping on a kinky leather collar as he winced at the painful memory from earlier on in the day...

_"Edward, I've had enough!!!" roared Carlisle._

_Edward looked up casually, to see Carlisle, the peacemaker, literally steaming teapots and cows out of his ears._

_"What's wong, daddy dearest?" he asked timidly._

_Carlisle heaved and hoed, and exploded, whilst quickly reforming himself (because vampires can totally do that? Since when??)._

_"I'm not paying your taxes you son of a bitch!!"_

_"DON'T DISS MY MUMMY!!" squealed Edwards finely waxed eyebrow. _

_"Weird," thought Edward. Anyway, why would Carlisle not pay his taxes? That damn motherfucker._

_"I know what you're thinking turkey shit, and that 'We have all the money in the world' trick won't do! I am NOT going to keep supplying you with money to waste on kinky yet erotic sex gear!!"_

_It was true that he had gone a bit overboard with the clothing line, thought Edward to himself, and looked disapprovingly at Carlisle._

_"Well then, daddy, what do you suppose I do? Let Charlie come and take me away in handcuffs? Oohhh.." He came on the spot thinking of it._

_Carlisle's nose wrinkled in disgust, and fell off due to plastic surgery._

_"Eugh! No, I'm sending you to Aro; he's going to teach you a lesson. Also, I think your a turd nugget mcfaggot face and your taste in Diva wear is so childish that even a two year old would throw monkey shit into your face." stated Carisle as he pasted his nose back on with lube._

Edward had screamed and cried for a week, but eventually Carlisle picked him up and threw him across the sea to Italy, upon where Edward crashed in the sewers and began sobbing his way down them, to meet his fate.

Aro grinned at the memory, and jerked Edward to his knees, dragging him to his room, and Edward grumbled merthlessly the whole way.

During the night, Edward could remember taking an umbrella, wardrobe, grand piano, dog, parrot, the Opera House, Jesus, Little Donkey and Aro himself up his arse, and all he could do was scream and cry the whole way through, but sickeningly enjoy the masochistic behaviour.

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_Meanwhile..._

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Somewhere across the world, Bella woke up in a damp sweat, a disturbing nightmare where Edward was involved in a disgusting, arse chaffing but slightly erotic homosexual sex romp. Not being able to shake off the fearful image, Bella began to cry. She was yet to fully grasp the concept that Edward might not want her anymore, let alone have sex with various organisms. However, somewhere in the deep recesses of her Mary-Sue mind, she comprehended that Edward was gay  
With this in mind, she began to formulate a plan...

Back in Volterra, Edward awoke under a mountain of sex slaves. He shuddered, both in memory of the scarring events and the feeling that someone, somewhere was planning something. Despite the slightly uneasy feeling that was causing him to quiver uncontrollably, he rolled over. Only to find that the quivering feeling was a gigantic, pink dildo stuck in his ear. Slight perturbed, he threw it at a random midget, causing him to explode from fangirl/boy lust/angst.

Sneaking out through the window, which was somewhat oddly placed in the underground lair, Edward excavated his way to the surface. Stopping quickly at a beauty shop to get a manicure, he then hired a cloaked vampire to throw him back to America, where he landed with perfect flair and Grace in front of Carlisle's desk. Carlisle shrieked like a pelican and threw Edward to Transylvania where he joined a whole new cannon of vampires and became the kinky love slave of one Count Dracula.

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**A/N; SHELBY HAS HERPES SHELBY HAS HERPES SHELBY HAS HERPES SHELBY HAS HERPES SHELBY HAS HERPES SHELBY HAS HERPES SHELBY HAS HERPES **

**That is all. Read and Review!!! 3**


	4. The Kitchen Bitch

_**Disclaimer; Feck you Twilight, with your sexy vampires and hairy wolves and Skankabella's.**_

_**We don't own it.**_

_**RABIES!!**_

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Limping out of Translivania with his tail* between his legs (*may or may not have been pink dildo), Edward ran homewards, pondering the random rape situations he had been placed in over the past 24 hours. Arriving back in Forks, he returned back to his home, and braced himself for the impact of insults from his siblings.

The situation went sort of like this;

"EDWARD YOU GAY FUCK! WHY DID YOU RIP OFF MY HEAD?"

"Little fairy poncey poncey boy! I found your diary; seriously, feathers?"

"I read it too, I didn't know you were into BDSM!"

"Jacob was asking for you."

The conversation stopped when Rosalie, who had heard the verbal raped, stopped posing in front of her camera for 3 seconds of her life, and had her input.

Edward spewed a duck out of his nostril when he had heard this news.

Obviously, Jacob was obsessed with Bella to the degree of stalking her feverishly by shooting love letters at her head with a potato gun.

He was obviously ALSO not going to be exceptionally pleased with the news of Edward punting his lover across the world.

Edward started crying huge anime tears until the Cullen nest turned into a large bathtub, occupied by Emmett's generous donation of strippers and warthogs.

"What do I do??!" wailed Edward melodramatically, flinging himself sidewards into a brick wall, smashing through it gracefully and even landing in dog shit gracefully.

Jasper snickered.

"Stand up to yourself you little pussy- he's just a werewolf" he sneered, looking at Edward who was floundering obnoxiously through the lake of shit.

After a couple rounds of martinis, a foot massage and several inspiration talks from Jerry Springer, Edward was ready to face the big bad wolf.

Striding across to La Push in 3 large steps, Edward knocked on Jacob's door and waited.

There was scuffling, swearing and a loud explosion, and an awkward silence.

Opening the door a minute later, Jacob appeared, looking cool and relaxed, but his shifty eyes indicated a sort of secret.

"I believe you wanted to shpeak to me?"slurred Edward at Jacob, who looked lustfully at the vampire.

"Yes."

More silence.

Edward looked uncomfortably at Jacob, who was at this point undressing him with his eyes.

"Erm..." Edward shuffled on his feet again, and got straight to the point.

"What the fuck do you want Jacob?"

Jacob, startled, snapped out of his trance, and grabbed Edward by the collar, hauling him inside.

"I want to be raped!"

Edward gaped at Jacob, and there was more silence.

Jacob looked back, and then said,

"But if you would like some tea first, then that's fine."

"Sure!" agreed Edward.

It was fun to find out where the tea came out later, but let's not go there.

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But seriously, we will go there for we know no limits. (Disgusted already? I am!)

Jacob, wanting to play the gracious rapee, bustled about the tiny kitchen that was so small you couldn't swing anal beads in it.  
Edward stood sheepishly in the corner, having tried to sit down, only to be hindered by his sore buttocks and the pink dildo that was now an ever present feature in his body.  
Handing a cup of tea to Edward, Jacob tried to make small talk.  
"So Bella aye, heard she's one kinky bitch." Slightly repulsed by the question and having remembered that Vampires dont eat human food, Edward spluttered, tea coming out from his mouth. (You thought it would be somewhere dirty didn't you, you minx!)  
"Ahh, sure... I mean she has this gigantic growth come from her ar..." Edward was cut off from his conversation as Jacob leapt at him.  
"RAPE ME YOU SEXY BITCH YOU!"

Suprised but always willing to take advantage of a werewolf, Edward proceeded to give Jacob his sick, masochistic, unholy, bubbly pleasure.  
Hours later, the pair laid in the remnants of Billy Blacks house, being ogled at by various La Push citizens. It was a rather awkward silence that followed.  
However neither seemed to notice the small children staring agape, dogs licking their balls or the flashes of cameras.  
Zero point two-five seconds later, Jacob started to speak, his usually husky voice turning into a high pitched lisp.  
"Edward, I have something to show you," Edward raised an eyebrow, he'd already seen all of Jacob Black.  
Quickly, with skill of a llama playing dodgeball, Jacob grabbed his hair and pulled upwards to reveal ...

"Mike Newton! I didn't know that you had Jacob Black's skin surgically grafted to your body!" Edward exclaimed in suprise.  
He was somewhat taken aback by the fair head on top of the darker toned body.  
"I'm not Mike," said the Jacob/Mike entity in a strangely feminine voice. Edward sat staring, utterling confused.  
The person then gripped their hair once more to reveal...

"Jessica Stanley!" Edward exclaimed, yet again, only to vomit blood at the thought of his non-gay activities.  
It was unfortunate, that, at this time Bella entered the scene. Only she was different, she was a... Man!  
"Edward! Your gay now so I got a highly expensive, painful sex transformation! We can be together and have happy times with rainbows and butterflies..." Bella stopped in her verbal shit storm. Her now deep voice stopping in her adams apple.

She'd seen Jessica.

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**A/N; A random child sprayed petrol up my nose, now my brain cells are melting. Reviews make me happy.**

**Grace- ....**

**Shelby- I'm gay!**

**Grace- heh heh heh...**

**In case you have not realised by now, Grace's part and Shelby's part are usually seperated by a bar halfway through each chapter. Grace started this chapter out, and if you know that then you can kind of pick out our different styles of writing now. THEY COULD BE ANYWHERE!!! OOoooOOo....**

**Reviews people!  
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